A little

For a little while
It doesnt hurt so much
The tears dont fall
A smile breaks

Or even a laugh

For a little while
You break through
A fleeting touch
Held momentarily

Or even a bit longer

For a little while
You mean so much
Too much to know
What would you say

Or even would care

For a little while
It all seems so new
To discover and be
Lifes reason again

Or even todays

For a little while
I could dream true
Take the easy way out
Ceed control away

Or even share it

For a little while
For you

My Story, trigger warning

My Story Big Trigger Warning

“My mother’s boyfriend was called **, he was violent and abusive to us all. When I was 12 he cornered me in the kitchen and held me by the throat as he fingered me. This was his only sexual attack on me.”

“I found out that my mother knew he was raping his daughter whose name I know but do not include, ** son also allegedly participated in her rape.”

His daughter is believed to be living on an island possibly with her mother and brother.

“** is now dead with a history of violence and court appearances. I was told he was a victim of childhood rape within the catholic church he attended in Aberdeen, he was born and raised in Aberdeen. How many others did he violate is a good question?”

“Aged 14 I was raped by a local new cumnock man called ** who had previous for manslaughter. I do not know where the man is now but I had a job at ** recently (2013) in Dumfries where a man from new cumnock also worked and passed on my details. “I was verbally and physically attacked and sacked.”

　

“** friend (unamed) raped another girl in new cumnock who went on trial. She killed herself.”

“My twin was abused by our stepgrandfather (now deceased) but she managed to get it through the courts, although he wasn’t sentenced. She’s had her children removed and brought a claim against our mother. Our mother hasn’t been sentenced but has been banned from working as a nurse in the UK and has fled abroad.

When I was 15 I met **, a guy from Urmston Manchester. He was 21, I became his girl friend when I was 16 and had his child, It was a violent abusive relationship and we split when I became too old for him, I was only 18. Since then he has pretty much refused to see me and the child but stalked my life, following and trolling me on line, finding my address and using it to buy stuff in my name. I had kept in touch with his parents until 2008 when I had my breakdown, the whole family was pretty abusive except I've had an apology from his parents now after he trolled me online and I showed it to them. He has done stuff like report me to inland revenue/dwp/social services just constant low level stalking. “

“in 2001 I joined a dating webite Plenty of Fish and met a man called ** from near Biggar, a lecturer at Queen Margaret University Edinburgh. On our second date we went for a picnic. He raped me leaving some damage. I didnt report it to the police but did speak to my therapist about it as I was still dealing with my childhood abuse, she didnt report it either” He has further victims.

Also

** of Police Scotland based Lockerbie or Dumfries wont report abuse, gaslights victims into not reporting and works close with ** neighbourhood officer who is trying to evict me, Those two are dealing with children today.

There is a paedophile in my street.

There is a woman called ** who writes in a local magazine here who is a supporter of paedophilia, (a project worker for ** (a back to work initiative) who was made aware I was an abuse victim and told me how Jimmy savile was an amazing man then encouraged other ** attendees to engage in verbally abusing me) she is an associate of **, who works for the same initiative and runs a book publishing company, who has blacklisted me and allowed ** attendees to engage in verbally abusing me and who has worked with Edwina Curry on a book/s. They are friends with the people from **, another back to work initiative, who told me to go and slit my wrists.

** of **, is currently harassing my family, backed up by the police.

My life is in danger, my childs life is in danger and it all relates to these people.

Names have been removed because they will prosecute.

Please help save our lives

Hello,

I'm writing this and begging for help as I have absolutely no other options left.

I'm a survivor of rape and attempted murder as a child, I was twelve years old and subjected to this by my family. As an adult, they have refused to help or support me, leaving me with no one.

I have an adult, 19 years old, child and three cats.

I worked all my adult life up to 2008 when I had a break down. I lost my home and job and ended up in homeless accommodation with the promise from my family they would help.

They didn't and we've been left to fend for ourselves. I received little NHS help due to having PTSD, a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I had 6 weeks talking therapy and unlimited anti depressants.

I needed more.

I was on sickness benefits but due to Westminster cuts this was stopped and I was put on Job seekers allowance.

I had to find work but I have been blocked at every available turn. My child and I are unemployable and the few weeks work i did manage to get, I was bullied, atacked and sacked. I have been blacklisted and my childhood abuse survival used against me.

On top of this we have had constant harassment in our home. I have been attacked in the street and in my home. We are in council housing property and their response to this is to evict us.

Currently we have no income, we are due to be evicted on 22nd August and we have no where to go and no to help.

All help I have asked for where we currently live has been denied. Plenty of places outside of the area will help but we have to live in their area to receive anything more than telephone help.

So I'm here, and I'm begging you to please, please donate a few pounds so we can move somewhere we aren't blacklisted and can receive much needed help and support.



Please help, just a simple click, a few pounds and you can, literally save our lives as we have nothing and no where else to go.

After all I've been through and the rejection my child has suffered your help will mean more than you could ever know.

We are hoping to raise £5,000 to cover moving costs and three months rent/deposit.

This should give us time to find work.

I am at the end of my strength and I hate having to do this but we have been left with nothing.

We also need help with not being evicted on the 22nd but I'll have to think on that unless you have an idea.

I am doing this alone with no help and really need you to be able to help us,

Iliana

Clean boots, dirty boots and scary birds

I ventured out in the wind and ran today to take a walk through one of the forest by my home.

I'm not going to give an exact location except to say it is somewhere in the southern uplands of Scotland. It is a beautiful part of the country and you are never very far from wildlife.

This is me starting out, or at least, my lovely clean, although well worn, boots.

Woolly socks are an absolute requirement whenever you go walking in Scotland.

Heading to the door in the trees.

Creepy trees

Scary birds

I heard this bird and legged it (apologies for the heavy breathing!) The area where I live is a haven for buzzards. I have had several run ins with them and give them as wide a berth as possible due to the fact that if you get too close to their territory they will dive bomb you from the trees. It is impossible to avoid them completely as they nest in the woods and there are woods everywhere. I don't know if this bird is a buzzard but it sounded like a warning call and this time I wasn't hanging around to found out.

After all that, this is how muddy my boots got

Inner child therapy

One of the most important therapies I've done on my healing journey is Inner Child Therapy.

By using meditation you "meet" your inner child. Now, I'm not a big fan of psychiatrist couch meditation or past lives meditation and fully went into inner child therapy with an attitude of "this will never work".

It did work though.

I worked through the guides. I remembered where I was happiest as a child, the place I loved the most. The place I thought my childhood was the happiest.

That was the big house and as a child it was my favourite place to live. The house was huge, we often had bats coming in through the attic or birds drowning in the water tank.

We had horses and paddocks and an orchard full of apple, pear, plum trees and bamboo. The bamboo area had a small field of moss before it and we built dens in the rhodedendron bushes. A lime tree grew by the driveway and every summer hundreds of bees would drink the flower nectar and roll around drunk on the gravel.

We had a stream and tree houses and hedgehogs. I thought it was magical place to grow up.

I met my inner child there, I'd hidden her there in my memory, somewhere I thought was filled with happiness.

In the meditation I was back at that house, standing in the middle of the driveway by the rose beds, she was running towards me with tears streaming down her face. She reached me, just a little kid of about ten, grabbed hold of me and sobbed choking tears.

I'd left her somewhere she was scared and unhappy.

After that initial meeting I had to work through why I'd thought that place was my "safe place". I even went to visit it again. Someone posh had bought it and built a wall and 6ft gate with fake gold on it at the entrance. It is a lovely place but being honest with myself, it was full of bad memories.

They were the best memories I had though.

After working through those memories I was able to take her out of that place and into a new place we've made together.

Now we live on a hill, it's a big hill surrounded by fields below and covered in flowers in bloom. There are always hundreds of seeds floating in the air.

In the middle of the hill under a big old oak tree, is a wooden picnic table.

We sometimes sit there or we lay out a blanket and sit on that. The suns always golden and in the mid afternoon. It is calming and serene just thinking about it.

My inner child is always happy and laughing and full of fun there.

Three of us visit there, me, my inner and dark figure. I can't make out any features of him, he's like a child's drawing, filled in with black pen but real and 3D.

I think he's the security in case something, someone, a bad memory tries to break through into our safe place.

We like him being there, although sometimes he isn't.

It is really worth doing inner child therapy. Not only does it help you reconnect with who you where as a child, it can help break down some of the coping therapies you created and give you great insight into who you were and what you went through.

In some ways my childhood was privileged, we were well off, we lived in a big house, we never had money worries or heating worries or work worries. We were tucked away from the world in a secret idyll.

And that made it not a good place.

Mans best friend, the faithful black dog

I haven't left the house in seven days.

Seven days.

I've been sat here with the black dog.

Depression. I want to write about it, I keep typing out lines and deleting them. It all sounds contrived and false, it's probably the most real writing you'd get from me though.

I want to write about how beautiful depression is, about how exquisite it is to float in the blackness, how you breathe it in. It's a seductress, a haunting lover. How it feels like tinkling ivory piano keys or deep black velvet, warm and soft.

How it sings to you, just you, how you're so special, so utterly amazing and beautiful and wonderful you are.

That's what I let it say to me now.

Years ago it was a different story, years ago it tried to kill me.

I used to let the blackness in, I used to let it consume me, to eat away at me, to destroy my soul.

I drank, I tried cannabis, I tried self harming, I tried suicide. Anything to to block it out, cut it out or get me out of it.

Those where the days when the blackness was filled with faceless screaming monsters, when I couldn't look into it let alone look at myself. It filled my being, it drove icicles of fear right through my heart and I made so many mistakes, always running from the blackness that consumed me, emanated from me, was me.

It's broken my heart and torn me apart me than I care.

It's taken up so much of my life and I want it gone. I don't want this hold over me, I don't want this eternal dance of devoid emotion. I won't let it anymore.

So I dance, I put headphones on and I let the music wash over me, let the music wash it out of me. I dance with it, I love it, I don't let it go, I squeeze the life out of.

I'm too young to let this control the rest of my life, I'm going to tear it up, burn it up, blast it out of the universe.

It's not my friend and it's not faithful.

Breathe in more

Take me down
Upon the snow
Hand in hand
Feel the touch

Amber nectar
Liquid blues
Breathe in
Dont leave

Bend the rule
Lovers skin
Golden Hue
Rescue new

Killer line
Trace blind
Please please
Way upon

Swallows fly
Rubbed in
Tore apart
Pencil thin

Take it in