Please help save our lives

Hello,

I'm writing this and begging for help as I have absolutely no other options left.

I'm a survivor of rape and attempted murder as a child, I was twelve years old and subjected to this by my family. As an adult, they have refused to help or support me, leaving me with no one.

I have an adult, 19 years old, child and three cats.

I worked all my adult life up to 2008 when I had a break down. I lost my home and job and ended up in homeless accommodation with the promise from my family they would help.

They didn't and we've been left to fend for ourselves. I received little NHS help due to having PTSD, a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I had 6 weeks talking therapy and unlimited anti depressants.

I needed more.

I was on sickness benefits but due to Westminster cuts this was stopped and I was put on Job seekers allowance.

I had to find work but I have been blocked at every available turn. My child and I are unemployable and the few weeks work i did manage to get, I was bullied, atacked and sacked. I have been blacklisted and my childhood abuse survival used against me.

On top of this we have had constant harassment in our home. I have been attacked in the street and in my home. We are in council housing property and their response to this is to evict us.

Currently we have no income, we are due to be evicted on 22nd August and we have no where to go and no to help.

All help I have asked for where we currently live has been denied. Plenty of places outside of the area will help but we have to live in their area to receive anything more than telephone help.

So I'm here, and I'm begging you to please, please donate a few pounds so we can move somewhere we aren't blacklisted and can receive much needed help and support.



Please help, just a simple click, a few pounds and you can, literally save our lives as we have nothing and no where else to go.

After all I've been through and the rejection my child has suffered your help will mean more than you could ever know.

We are hoping to raise £5,000 to cover moving costs and three months rent/deposit.

This should give us time to find work.

I am at the end of my strength and I hate having to do this but we have been left with nothing.

We also need help with not being evicted on the 22nd but I'll have to think on that unless you have an idea.

I am doing this alone with no help and really need you to be able to help us,

Iliana

Clean boots, dirty boots and scary birds

I ventured out in the wind and ran today to take a walk through one of the forest by my home.

I'm not going to give an exact location except to say it is somewhere in the southern uplands of Scotland. It is a beautiful part of the country and you are never very far from wildlife.

This is me starting out, or at least, my lovely clean, although well worn, boots.

Woolly socks are an absolute requirement whenever you go walking in Scotland.

Heading to the door in the trees.

Creepy trees

Scary birds

I heard this bird and legged it (apologies for the heavy breathing!) The area where I live is a haven for buzzards. I have had several run ins with them and give them as wide a berth as possible due to the fact that if you get too close to their territory they will dive bomb you from the trees. It is impossible to avoid them completely as they nest in the woods and there are woods everywhere. I don't know if this bird is a buzzard but it sounded like a warning call and this time I wasn't hanging around to found out.

After all that, this is how muddy my boots got

Inner child therapy

One of the most important therapies I've done on my healing journey is Inner Child Therapy.

By using meditation you "meet" your inner child. Now, I'm not a big fan of psychiatrist couch meditation or past lives meditation and fully went into inner child therapy with an attitude of "this will never work".

It did work though.

I worked through the guides. I remembered where I was happiest as a child, the place I loved the most. The place I thought my childhood was the happiest.

That was the big house and as a child it was my favourite place to live. The house was huge, we often had bats coming in through the attic or birds drowning in the water tank.

We had horses and paddocks and an orchard full of apple, pear, plum trees and bamboo. The bamboo area had a small field of moss before it and we built dens in the rhodedendron bushes. A lime tree grew by the driveway and every summer hundreds of bees would drink the flower nectar and roll around drunk on the gravel.

We had a stream and tree houses and hedgehogs. I thought it was magical place to grow up.

I met my inner child there, I'd hidden her there in my memory, somewhere I thought was filled with happiness.

In the meditation I was back at that house, standing in the middle of the driveway by the rose beds, she was running towards me with tears streaming down her face. She reached me, just a little kid of about ten, grabbed hold of me and sobbed choking tears.

I'd left her somewhere she was scared and unhappy.

After that initial meeting I had to work through why I'd thought that place was my "safe place". I even went to visit it again. Someone posh had bought it and built a wall and 6ft gate with fake gold on it at the entrance. It is a lovely place but being honest with myself, it was full of bad memories.

They were the best memories I had though.

After working through those memories I was able to take her out of that place and into a new place we've made together.

Now we live on a hill, it's a big hill surrounded by fields below and covered in flowers in bloom. There are always hundreds of seeds floating in the air.

In the middle of the hill under a big old oak tree, is a wooden picnic table.

We sometimes sit there or we lay out a blanket and sit on that. The suns always golden and in the mid afternoon. It is calming and serene just thinking about it.

My inner child is always happy and laughing and full of fun there.

Three of us visit there, me, my inner and dark figure. I can't make out any features of him, he's like a child's drawing, filled in with black pen but real and 3D.

I think he's the security in case something, someone, a bad memory tries to break through into our safe place.

We like him being there, although sometimes he isn't.

It is really worth doing inner child therapy. Not only does it help you reconnect with who you where as a child, it can help break down some of the coping therapies you created and give you great insight into who you were and what you went through.

In some ways my childhood was privileged, we were well off, we lived in a big house, we never had money worries or heating worries or work worries. We were tucked away from the world in a secret idyll.

And that made it not a good place.

Mans best friend, the faithful black dog

I haven't left the house in seven days.

Seven days.

I've been sat here with the black dog.

Depression. I want to write about it, I keep typing out lines and deleting them. It all sounds contrived and false, it's probably the most real writing you'd get from me though.

I want to write about how beautiful depression is, about how exquisite it is to float in the blackness, how you breathe it in. It's a seductress, a haunting lover. How it feels like tinkling ivory piano keys or deep black velvet, warm and soft.

How it sings to you, just you, how you're so special, so utterly amazing and beautiful and wonderful you are.

That's what I let it say to me now.

Years ago it was a different story, years ago it tried to kill me.

I used to let the blackness in, I used to let it consume me, to eat away at me, to destroy my soul.

I drank, I tried cannabis, I tried self harming, I tried suicide. Anything to to block it out, cut it out or get me out of it.

Those where the days when the blackness was filled with faceless screaming monsters, when I couldn't look into it let alone look at myself. It filled my being, it drove icicles of fear right through my heart and I made so many mistakes, always running from the blackness that consumed me, emanated from me, was me.

It's broken my heart and torn me apart me than I care.

It's taken up so much of my life and I want it gone. I don't want this hold over me, I don't want this eternal dance of devoid emotion. I won't let it anymore.

So I dance, I put headphones on and I let the music wash over me, let the music wash it out of me. I dance with it, I love it, I don't let it go, I squeeze the life out of.

I'm too young to let this control the rest of my life, I'm going to tear it up, burn it up, blast it out of the universe.

It's not my friend and it's not faithful.

Breathe in more

Take me down
Upon the snow
Hand in hand
Feel the touch

Amber nectar
Liquid blues
Breathe in
Dont leave

Bend the rule
Lovers skin
Golden Hue
Rescue new

Killer line
Trace blind
Please please
Way upon

Swallows fly
Rubbed in
Tore apart
Pencil thin

Take it in

Lovers embrace

Darkness descends across the misty glen

Rest your boots in front of the croft door

Lay your weary body down by the log fire

Whispers of winds play beneath the eaves

Snug inside by a roaring log fuelled fire

Glowing light flickers across cushions

Haunting melodic music plays from shadows

As two close figures sway across a firelit room

Outside rain beats gently against glass panes

Hands touching hands, bodies pulled close

Feet dance together on the wooden floor

All the world fades away into the night

Weaving dreams

Long lazy highways
Cars rumble past
Lines flash in the
Headlights shine

Rolling past towns
And lonely diners
Darkness lighted
Windows down

Breeze teases hair
Arm catches nothing
Hands steer clear
Along the highway

Chasing the moon
Through midnight
Dark open road
Full of promises

Travelling onwards
Climbing mountains
Towards the dawn
Stars light skies

Breaking the morn
Over the road ahead
Straight through
The night slept on

Driving straight to
The open water
Sight catches sea
Journeys over