Circles

I've written and deleted this several times now. I don't know what to write. Again, unedited and raw.

I want to say thank you, I love you, I feel alright. I'm being so paranoid about everything, I feel like my brain has lost it completely. I'm reading too much into everything and I feel so alone.

I keep playing Rihanna's Diamonds over and over, my brain is totally addicted to it. I want to have that. I want to feel that with someone. I want to love and be loved, to hold and be held. I want to be something to someone.

More than just a thing, more than just a friend. I want someone to care for me, to want to be near me, to want to share things with me.

I feel whiny and selfish typing that but I'm beginning to realise that the voice inside my head telling me I'm unlovable is the voice of ghosts and not what is true or right to feel.

No one has a guide book to tell me how to get through this, no one knows what damage I have had or how the scars have formed, so no one can start to help me work through it.

All I can do is learn from you guys, is learn what is right and what is wrong and hope that I make the right decisions, move in the right direction, fight for something better, something that is worth me.

I can choose to let the good things in, I just need to fight the monsters out of my head, banish them to the depths of hell and not allow them to control me any more.

I can be happy, I can laugh, I can love.

The ghosts in my head don't have any right to me anymore, I escaped, I got free. I ran as fast as I could away from all of that even though the chains bound me for years and kept me close to it all. Like I was still attached by a bungee cord pinging me back every time I got too clever for myself. That cord started fraying though, with every run too far it frayed and now it's hanging by a thread, remnants of ghosts who never wanted anything good for me, never chose to see me, love me for the person I am.

It's hard to realise that I've never been loved, that all I was, was nothing.

The biggest step I have to take is telling myself that I love me, I want the best for me. I need to love myself.

I've spent the last few years learning how to do that, I've had to learn that it's ok to do that, that I am allowed to do that.

It's hard to do, it's hard to do when all your learned behaviour is rejection and violence. When every instance you've needed love has been met with a turned back or a punch.

It's hard to know that that is wrong, it takes strength to know there has to be another way.

And another way comes from you, from your souls, from your words, from your feelings, from the way you talk about the people you love.

I'm fighting a conflicting battle within and I need you to keep talking, to keep shouting, to keep screaming about how you love, how you feel, how those who love you keep you strong, keep you real, keep you alive.

I feel so scared and alone fighting this but I deserve more.