Smacked Down

Hospital walls, floating floors, bouncing around,

Smacked down, flung back,

Melting faces, sterile places, can't stop, sides hurting,

Laughing,

Colours stream, brain screams, can't breathe,

Smacked down, flung back,

Laughing,

Can't stop, drum beats, crawling the walls, strobe lights,

Laughing,

Sides splitting, tears streaming, Doc's laughing,

Smacked down, flung back

Stomach hurts, can't breathe, won't stop, brain screams,

Lights stream, floating curtains, sterile sheets,

Laughing,

Brain crawling, people folding, electric beeps,

Smacked down, flung back,

Laughing,

Can't stop, Can't breathe, Can't feel,

Brain screams,

Smacked down, flung back,

Laughing,

Psyche.

I wrote this in a+e in 2008 after a horrible reaction to anti depressants, I couldn't stop going from hysterical laughter to horrendous feelings of suicide. There wasn't anything the medical staff could do, I had to wait for the pills to wear off which took about 2 days. I was kept in a+e for about 6 hrs and then babysat at a friends house. It wasn't a good experience but has taught me the value of starting in small amounts for any new medication and then increasing the dosage if I don't react.

This experience really annoys me because I could have not sought help and actually committed suicide, leaving my child on his own. I have had suicidal tendencies but I do not want to die, that's not what my suicidal thoughts are about. I was unable to live with the trauma I'd received and I had no coping strategies. After therapy and learning how to care for myself by providing the love I wasn't given as a child I have overcome most of the suicidal tendencies and, although often grumpy, I do love being alive and being a mum.