TW self harm
On my journey through therapy I've faced many challenges, many obstacles and much internal diagnosis alongside trying to understand the motives and reasons behind why and how I became an abused child.
One of these therapies has been incredibly difficult for me to do. It has caused me fear and pain and stomach churning repulsion.
I hadn't realised before that I had been living the majority of my life with this enormous part of everybody's life excluded to the extreme from mine.
The lengths I've gone to, to remove this "thing" from the world around me has been surprising, shocking but most of all incredible sad.
Sad that I have denied an amazing thing from my life just because of the legacy of the abuse I had gone through.
I haven't been able to do this one thing because when I do all I hear are echos of ghosts running through my mind, flashes of images of the ghosts behind the words.
Negative, hateful words all directed at me, all used to build the foundations of the person I came to see myself as.
For years I had no mirror in my life.
I could not bear to look upon the vile creature who stared back at me.
That's all I used to see when I caught even a glimpse of my reflection. A vile, dirty, ugly, disgusting non person.
The first time during therapy when I tried to look at myself in a mirror I just wanted to cut my face up it was so ugly. I didn't, though I did cry.
Everyday I have been trying to look at my reflection, everyday over-riding the ghosts in my head by saying out loud that I am beautiful, wonderful, amazing.
It makes me cringe to write that but I also laugh a little. I'm pretty plain, bordering on ugly but I no longer care. It is my face, it is me and I'm slowly but surely drowning the ghosts in my head and looking with care and love at the face staring back at me.
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